30+ years of quirky sayings

6 07 2009

I’ve been collecting snappy colloquialisms for over thirty years now. Some are funny, some downright vulgar or insulting. Some you’ll probably remember from your childhood, very common in our culture and language. Some people have a knack for making them up on the spot and dead-on appropriate to the situation at hand. These always catch me off guard, and I have to scramble to write them down before I forget. I’ll start posting some of them on a semi-irregular schedule.  Here are several relating to intelligence -

  • She’s such an airhead; if you blew in her ear, she’d thank you for the refill.
  • If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose.
  • He’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
  • He’s about as bright as a small appliance bulb.
  • He’s dumber than catshit.
  • About as smart as a box of hair.
  • She couldn’t teach clay to dry in the sun.
  • He ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  • He’s kind of a dimbulb.
  • He’s too dumb to pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  • She wouldn’t know a fancy dress from a sassafras patch.

gilmark





red, blue, yellow – The Mantra

22 06 2009

Never forget this -

I found this cartoon panel I cut from a newspaper way back when, probably in the mid 70s.
Some things never change. And they shouldn’t.

gilmark





telephone stuff

22 06 2009

Can someone explain to me why the phone company charges $5 per month to keep your name OUT of the phonebook? I don’t get this at all, and you could explain this to me a thousand times, and I still won’t get it. I promise.

Cell phones are such a pain. I refuse to wear one of those holders that attach to your belt. I keep my phone in my pocket. Consequently, many times when I bend over to pick something up, or tie my shoes, the camera button is triggered and I can hear the ‘click’, knowing that I’ve just taken a picture of the inside of my pocket.

They are great pictures, each one an exact duplicate of the others. Pitch black. Here’s one of the pictures -

I also don’t care to learn how to remove them from the phone’s “My Pics” section, so I turn the phone over to a 24 year old tech-savvy guy who works for me, and he deletes them for me every once in a while. He says my records for stored ‘photos’ is 94.

When I picked this phone out at the phone store (what a concept), I asked the clerk if I could get a phone without a camera. He seemed stunned, then composed himself and told me no. He must have thought I was crazy; who doesn’t want a camera on their phone? I don’t want a phone on my camera either.





items for sale on eBay . . .

22 06 2009

The things offered for sale on eBay never cease to amaze me -

COLOR 4 x 6 INCH PHOTO SHOWING TRAILER TRASH LADY LAYING ON THE BED GIVING THE BIRD FINGER TOWARDS THE CAMERA

Here’s another one – (description of actual item is not necessary)

I’m guessing here that this seller is a habitual procrastinator, not to mention just plain lazy.

gilmark





Ray & Ray – an old friend & a good neighbor

16 03 2009

We sent out the normal amount of holiday cards this past Christmas season and received two letters back in mid-January informing us of the deaths of an old friend of the family from St. Louis, and a good neighbor that we met in 1990 when we bought a house in Towson, Maryland.

The first letter came from the wife of Ray K., a dear friend of my parents and a person who was always extremely nice to me, even when I was dating his daughter. My father had a scrapbook of his soccer days, when he and Ray K. played for a semi-pro team called the Zephyr Furs in St. Louis. Ray K. and my father were the stars of that team, leading them to a national championship game (they lost) sometime in the late 40s. Our families did a lot of things with their family every year – parties, barbeques, baseball games, corkball tournaments, soccer, etc. He was great to be around. I was always impressed that there was nothing broken in his house for more than an hour; he would fix whatever was broken almost immediately. The house and lawn were immaculate. He will be missed.

The other letter came from the daughter of our neighbor Ray Z.

We met Ray Z. when we bought a house in 1990. At the time he was in his mid-70s. His wife had passed away 20 years prior, and he spoke of her often and how much he missed her. He was a retired electrical engineer, and kept himself busy taking apart electronics and drawing out the wiring/electrical schematics, then using parts and pieces to make new electronics.

I could write a book about Ray; he had a full life. He joined the Coast Guard right before WWII. He said it wasn’t all bad – spent a lot of time aboard an ice breaker in the Artic, freezing his “behind” off, then was stationed as a radio operator on some islands off the coast of Portugal. After leaving the Coast Guard, he joined Pan American World Airways as a radio operator and navigator aboard some of their transatlantic flights. He had enjoyed his stays on the islands, and spent a lot of time there for Pan Am as a radio operator. These islands became refueling points for airplanes flying overseas during the early days of transatlantic flights. He told many harrowing stories about how dangerous these flights were- crash landing a plane, being lost over the Atlantic during a storm and coming out of the storm and getting his bearings by the stars, only to get to the islands and coasting in after running out of fuel. He was there in the early days of Pan Am, and was very proud of his accomplishments.

But his favorite experiences involved his bachelor days on the islands. He had the privilege of squiring many actresses and singers and entertainers who were traveling across the Atlantic. Many times they were stranded for a day or two on the islands for airplane maintenance or weather problems. As he told it, he was the only man stationed there that could dance, and he had a ’swell time with the broads’. Among those he danced with were Carole Lombard, Frances Farmer, Kay Francis, and Carole Landis.

After another near-disastrous flight, he left Pan Am, met his future wife, and settled down. He was so enthralled with early televisions, he used his electronics knowledge and opened a TV repair business. He also sold DuMont televisions, an early leader in the industry. They were fraught with problems, so he was very busy repairing them.

He spent a good amount of time in his home workshop inventing electronic gadgets, but never patented anything, and told me many times how he regretted it. He devised his own house alarm system in the late 1940s, which was still in use on his house. He built a radio controlled airplane in the 1950s. He played golf well into his 80’s, and taught his grandsons how to play. He also made his own golf clubs, researching parts and materials, doing experiments with weights, balancing, epoxies, leather handgrips, and metal shafts.

He built a device to steal the scrambled cable channels, then shimmied up a telephone pole to install the device. He then decoded the channels so he could get HBO, Cinemax, the Playboy Channel, you name it. He didn’t care about watching these shows; it was all about the challenge. The cable company figured out that someone in our block was stealing the cable signal, so they sent a truck to our street to check it out. This happened about 10 times. The technician left all 10 times emptyhanded. It turns out Ray knew what they were up to, and devised some sort of gizmo to send an interfering signal so the truck’s electronics could not pick up much of anything.

Finally the technician zeroed in on Ray’s house, and knocked on his door. He sort of accused Ray of climbing the telephone pole and altering the equipment. Ray’s reply – “Good God, young man, I’m 82 years old!” The technician left and Ray told me he had a good laugh.

I once ran across some oversized graph paper at an auction, and gave Ray all 10 pads. He was more than thrilled, as he didn’t have to tape together regular sized papers anymore to draw out his increasingly complicated schematics. This and any gifts of broken down electronics would always come with an offer to sit down and have a beer with Ray, and listen to more great tales.

Like I said, I could write a book about Ray, but I’ll stop here, smiling and remembering all the great conversations I had with him over the years. I’ll miss him.

gilmark





Life in the Northeast – Rhode Island version

21 02 2009

I just had my first robin sighting of the year. It looked a bit scruffy, and took off before I could snap a picture. Below is a stock photo of a robin, in case you don’t know what I writing about.

Spring is near.





camo cell towers

8 12 2008

Last week, while driving through New Jersey, I was finally able to get a picture of this camouflaged cell phone tower.

These are the most ridiculous things. They are ramrod straight, “pruned” into who-knows-what shape, and are the size of Sequoias, which dwarf any real trees in the vicinity. Oh, and they are evergreens (!), and look so out of place in the winter months in the middle of a deciduous forest devoid of foliage. Here’s one in New Hampshire that makes for a great, romantic sunset.

These towers are starting to cover the continent; I’ve seen them up and down the east coast, from Virginia to Massachusetts. Check out this site on disguised cell towers; you’ll see a bunch in California that are pruned a bit better than the ones I’ve seen.

But still ridiculous.

gilmark





Idling in Connecticut

6 12 2008

I found this sign at a rest stop while driving through Connecticut. I thought it was a bit strange, as I can’t imagine any state police officer driving by and taking a stopwatch to your car, especially as their own vehicle is idling. (They are probably covered under (b)(3)(C)(iii).) I was just going to post the photo of the sign, but thought I’d better include the regulations in case you are ever idling your vehicle in CT. Now you’ll have no excuses; if stopped in CT for excessive idling, just pull out your laptop with wireless connection, get to this blog, and you’ll have all the answers and excuses you’ll need to avoid a citation. Good luck.

This document contains the Connecticut regulations for the abatement of air pollution with the recently adopted revisions to the regulations that became effective April, 1, 2004.
Section 22a-174-18. Control of particulate matter and visible emissions.
(b) Visible emission standards.
(3) Mobile sources. Except as provided in subsection (j) of this section, no person shall cause or allow:
(C) A mobile source to operate for more than three (3) consecutive minutes when such mobile source is not in motion, except as follows:

(i) When a mobile source is forced to remain motionless because of traffic conditions or mechanical difficulties over which the operator has no control,
(ii) When it is necessary to operate defrosting, heating or cooling equipment to ensure the safety or health of the driver or passengers,
(iii) When it is necessary to operate auxiliary equipment that is located in or on the mobile source to accomplish the intended use of the mobile source,
(iv) To bring the mobile source to the manufacturer’s recommended operating temperature,
(v) When the outdoor temperature is below twenty degrees fahrenheit (20 degrees F),
(vi) When the mobile source is undergoing maintenance that requires such mobile source be operated for more than three (3) consecutive minutes, or
(vii) When a mobile source is in queue to be inspected by U.S. military
personnel prior to gaining access to a U.S. military installation.

Be informed!

gilmark





Flying Pigs

6 12 2008

I spotted this sign on the back end of a car several weeks ago. The car was also adorned with a rather garish flying pig hood ornament.

According to Wikipedia, the know-all, end-all electronic Encyclopedia for the ages, here’s an explanation for pigs flying -

A flying pig is a symbol of an impossible event coming to pass. The popular saying “[it will happen] when pigs fly” (or when pigs have wings) is traditionally used to mean that the specified event will never occur.

Although there are several opinions about the origin of the saying, in Cincinnati, the story is that when the hogs were delivered from one side of the river to the slaughter house on the other side, they were loaded on flat top barges. As they stood on the barges and moved across the river, the early morning fog would often rise off the water and cover the barge bottom. The only thing that could be seen were the pigs “floating” above the water. This gave the appearance, according to the locals, that the pigs were “flying” across the river. This is the reason that so many “flying pig” items can be found in the airport and in other gift shops around Cincinnati.

I can’t guess what this all meant to the car’s owner, but it must have been very important.
And good for you, Cincinnati.
Just fodder for your mind.

gilmark





I don’t know what to say

6 12 2008

OK, I ran across this photo on the Internet while researching the Going Green phenomenon.

I have several comments and questions -

WHY?

Is this dog still alive? Do you remember reading about Buddy Ebson, who became terribly sick during the beginning of filming of “Wizard of Oz”? That silver makeup they lathered him up with to look like the Tin Man forced him to withdraw from the project.  And remember when the movie “Goldfinger” hit the theaters, and the famous movie poster of the woman painted gold? There were about a zillion rumors flying around that she had died because every pore of her body was clogged with paint, causing her skin to cease “breathing”.

What is that woman in the photo doing? Is she the proud owner of the dog? The colorist admiring her work? Is she taking a final look before being carted away in handcuffs for animal abuse?

I had a dog back in the early 80’s who slid her belly through some mud (deep brown) to cool off, caught a squirrel and killed it, getting (red) blood all over her snout and head, then rolled, on her back,  in some fresh cow manure (green). She was quite a site, I wish I had a picture of her. At least these colors washed off of her quickly. I’m thinking this poor poodle looked like that for a good month, at least.

Are dogs color blind? Dogs do have some color vision but not as much as humans. Dogs have a particular form of colorblindness called deuteranopia. They can see gray, violet blue, and colors in the yellow-green genre. do you think this dog is conscious of the silliness of all this green largese? Self esteem issues??

gilmark